What is a Rabenmutter

Language defines culture. There is a word in german language that does not exist in other languages, and this word is "Rabenmutter", or raven mother. This is a big insult, means that you are a mother who does not care for your children. You may think it is applied to mothers whose children are abandoned in their crib and receive no kisses and love from their mom, children who are dirty or who do not have an education or are not well fed, who are not stimulated and feel alone. But nooooo, this offensive word is dedicated to mothers who work! (Of course there is no "Raven father" equivalent. It is fine if the father stays out from home travelling or working from 8am to 8pm, it seems children do not need the love from the father.)

Nobody has ever told me "you are a Rabenmutter". But yes, many people have challenged me if I am doing the right thing for my child.

The kind of comments I have heard when saying I would go back to work are:

• "Being a mother is a full time job for three years" (my reaction: it is for my whole life, I am always going to be there for my child, and always taking care of her!!)
• "I feel sorry for children who are not with the mom during the first three years" (my reaction: I feel sorry for the children that are all day with a bored mom and do not get to know other children and other games and experiences)
• "It is ok if you go back to work, but do not work more than 10 hours per week, that would not work for your child" (hmm 10 hours per week? This really depends on your job - in mine it does not have any sense)
• "I do not know why you have a kid if you want to go back to work" (what?? is it wrong to work? why would you never say this from a man?)
• "You say that you want to go back to work, but I am sure that when you have your baby in your arms, you cannot make that to her, you will see" (many people told me this one while I was pregnant!! and really offended me, it was like "now you do not have feelings, but you will develop them". Sorry I already know I will love my baby, indeed I love her during the pregnancy as well and I know the best for my baby and my family is that I go back to work.)
• "In other countries women have to work because families cannot live from one salary as in Germany" (ah ok...so for you the fact that women go to university is just a back up plan in case they do not find a rich husband?)
• "Women stop working to raise the children because family is very important for us" (this one hurts...I felt very offended. Family is very important for me. In my home country, families support each other all the life, and here in Germany I have the impression that when kids are adults the support is over, and still I would never say that family is not important for them!)

I am very tired. During the pregnancy I had to deal with these comments so many times. My baby is weeks old and I keep hearing them, and I suspect I will continue hearing them for the next years. And these comments were coming from everyone at any time, from my family in law, from german colleagues, from a waiter in a restaurant! In the beginning I was just trying to ignore them, but then I created a list of reasons of why I want to go back to work, and started confronting them.
I believe this is a personal and hard decision, and people have nothing to say about it. I will write down my reasons in next post!